i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
