I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
