in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
