I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i think my cat just said my name.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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