Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
