I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
