I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
