i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
