It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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