It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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