So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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