Me. At least after what I've been through.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
