Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
