I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
