Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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