Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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