Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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