we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
