Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
