What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
