anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
