my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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