WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
