I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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