let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
