Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
