please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i now understand why vodka
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
