woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
