I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have aggressive nipples.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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