apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
