I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
