I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
