when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
