eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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