I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
