I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
