I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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