he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can I color on your dick again?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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