I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
