So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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