I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
