Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
