and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
