took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
