We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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