WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
