My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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