just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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