I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
