So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
