You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
PANTIES FOUND
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